How to Fight Right

Marriage, like any other relationship, takes work and the road we travel is not always (if ever) easy. There are unexpected twists, unforeseen turns, slippery slopes, and even some very rocky terrain. Conflicts can make us sharper and they are sure to occur when two individuals have differing opinions. Sadly, we live in a world that does not teach conflict resolution. We find ourselves in a world that wants to "cancel" anyone who has a differing opinion. What happened to listening, gleaning, hearing-out, compromising, or coming to a win-win?

As Christ-followers, we follow the Bible as our model for conflict resolution. These biblical principles work and will make our marriages, neighborhoods, and workplaces better; IF we choose to implement them into our various relationships. Allow me to list a few below:

1. BE HONEST & RESPECTFUL

Honesty, integrity & respect are building blocks for relationships.  Dishonesty and a lack of respect will certainly drive a wedge in any relationship. Tell the truth, be transparent, and show respect; even when you disagree with someone -- especially your spouse.

Eph 4:25- Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another.

2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT WEAPONS

There are weapons for "hand-to-hand" combat (swords, bayonets, etc.); weapons of warfare (bombs, missiles, etc.); and spiritual weapons (Armor of God - Ephesians 6:10-18). In relationship conflicts, we must lay down the worldly "offensive" weapons and pickup the spiritual weapons. Too often, we forget who the real enemy is. Satan wants to steal, kill & destroy... and this includes your marriage & family.

Eph 4:26 - Be angry, and do not sin…  (guard your heart & actions)

Prov 18:14 - The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, But who can bear a broken spirit?  (Don't destroy the spirit of those you love, as it will take MUCH time to rebuild.)

3. USE STRATEGIC TIMING

You've heard the statement that "timing is everything." Many fights are started because of bad timing (i.e. - in the last 2 minutes of the Super Bowl, etc.). Consider timing comments & conversations so you don't provoke a fight; BUT also consider the right timing to END the fight. Do not allow disagreements to go on and on. In fact, the Bible states that the matter should be settled before you go to bed. 

  

Eph 4:26-27 - …Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.

4. RESOLVE & RESTORE

If a conflict ensues because of something you did, then fix it! Repent, restore, make restitution, etc. Confess your sin, come clean about your actions, own the problem you created. I'll never forget the lesson my dad taught me about confession, after breaking the neighbor's window with a baseball and then working to replace it. A broken window is easy to replace, but a broken spirit is MUCH more difficult. Take the time to heal the hurt and restore the relationship.

Prov. 18:14 - ...who can bear a broken spirit

Prov. 18:19 - A brother (or spouse) offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like bars of a castle.

5. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY

It is difficult to control our tongue, BUT it is even more difficult when you are angry.  Remember the statement, "Keep your words sweet, as you might have to eat them."  Jesus experienced righteous indignation with the money changers in the temple, but there is no record of him cussing, cursing or embarrassing Himself with careless words. He turned many people off by His positions, but never due to His disposition.

Eph 4:29-30 - Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 

6. FIGHT PRIVATELY, NOT PUBLICLY

The Bible is very clear that disagreements should be settled 1-to-1. We are not to make a matter public, unless it is unconfessed sin and it should be brought before the church with a heavy heart and for the purpose of restoration. In today's world of keyboard cowards, when people post every grievance on the internet; we as Christ-followers should NEVER be guilty of such actions. Keep our disagreements private and seek to resolve them privately.

Matt. 18:15 - Moreover, if your brother (or spouse) sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone... 

Eph 4:31 - Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

7. BANDAGE THE WOUNDS

In every fight, someone gets wounded. The frequently forgotten bandage that will heal almost all emotional wounds is forgiveness. It's too bad that the Church is more known for being "judgmental" rather than being "forgiving." Let strive for all of our relationship disputes to end with forgiveness.

Eph 4:32 - And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.

It is important to understand that disagreements are a normal part of any marriage and any human relationship. Disagreements can be opportunities for people to learn from each other and come to a compromise that strengthens their relationship. So, learn to "fight right" and recognize Satan as the real enemy... not your spouse!