Pursuing Your Spouse

How to Fight Right

Marriage, like any other relationship, takes work and the road we travel is not always (if ever) easy. There are unexpected twists, unforeseen turns, slippery slopes, and even some very rocky terrain. Conflicts can make us sharper and they are sure to occur when two individuals have differing opinions. Sadly, we live in a world that does not teach conflict resolution. We find ourselves in a world that wants to "cancel" anyone who has a differing opinion. What happened to listening, gleaning, hearing-out, compromising, or coming to a win-win?

As Christ-followers, we follow the Bible as our model for conflict resolution. These biblical principles work and will make our marriages, neighborhoods, and workplaces better; IF we choose to implement them into our various relationships. Allow me to list a few below:

1. BE HONEST & RESPECTFUL

Honesty, integrity & respect are building blocks for relationships.  Dishonesty and a lack of respect will certainly drive a wedge in any relationship. Tell the truth, be transparent, and show respect; even when you disagree with someone -- especially your spouse.

Eph 4:25- Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another.

2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT WEAPONS

There are weapons for "hand-to-hand" combat (swords, bayonets, etc.); weapons of warfare (bombs, missiles, etc.); and spiritual weapons (Armor of God - Ephesians 6:10-18). In relationship conflicts, we must lay down the worldly "offensive" weapons and pickup the spiritual weapons. Too often, we forget who the real enemy is. Satan wants to steal, kill & destroy... and this includes your marriage & family.

Eph 4:26 - Be angry, and do not sin…  (guard your heart & actions)

Prov 18:14 - The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness, But who can bear a broken spirit?  (Don't destroy the spirit of those you love, as it will take MUCH time to rebuild.)

3. USE STRATEGIC TIMING

You've heard the statement that "timing is everything." Many fights are started because of bad timing (i.e. - in the last 2 minutes of the Super Bowl, etc.). Consider timing comments & conversations so you don't provoke a fight; BUT also consider the right timing to END the fight. Do not allow disagreements to go on and on. In fact, the Bible states that the matter should be settled before you go to bed. 

  

Eph 4:26-27 - …Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.

4. RESOLVE & RESTORE

If a conflict ensues because of something you did, then fix it! Repent, restore, make restitution, etc. Confess your sin, come clean about your actions, own the problem you created. I'll never forget the lesson my dad taught me about confession, after breaking the neighbor's window with a baseball and then working to replace it. A broken window is easy to replace, but a broken spirit is MUCH more difficult. Take the time to heal the hurt and restore the relationship.

Prov. 18:14 - ...who can bear a broken spirit

Prov. 18:19 - A brother (or spouse) offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like bars of a castle.

5. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WISELY

It is difficult to control our tongue, BUT it is even more difficult when you are angry.  Remember the statement, "Keep your words sweet, as you might have to eat them."  Jesus experienced righteous indignation with the money changers in the temple, but there is no record of him cussing, cursing or embarrassing Himself with careless words. He turned many people off by His positions, but never due to His disposition.

Eph 4:29-30 - Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 

6. FIGHT PRIVATELY, NOT PUBLICLY

The Bible is very clear that disagreements should be settled 1-to-1. We are not to make a matter public, unless it is unconfessed sin and it should be brought before the church with a heavy heart and for the purpose of restoration. In today's world of keyboard cowards, when people post every grievance on the internet; we as Christ-followers should NEVER be guilty of such actions. Keep our disagreements private and seek to resolve them privately.

Matt. 18:15 - Moreover, if your brother (or spouse) sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone... 

Eph 4:31 - Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

7. BANDAGE THE WOUNDS

In every fight, someone gets wounded. The frequently forgotten bandage that will heal almost all emotional wounds is forgiveness. It's too bad that the Church is more known for being "judgmental" rather than being "forgiving." Let strive for all of our relationship disputes to end with forgiveness.

Eph 4:32 - And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.

It is important to understand that disagreements are a normal part of any marriage and any human relationship. Disagreements can be opportunities for people to learn from each other and come to a compromise that strengthens their relationship. So, learn to "fight right" and recognize Satan as the real enemy... not your spouse!

Commitment is the Key

 

It is both sad and humorous realizing how uncomfortable people get when you mention the word "commitment;" but commitment is required in successful careers, life endeavors, spirituality/faith and even marriage. If you ask a couple who has been married 50+ years, "What is the key to a long marriage?" They will likely reply with the word "commitment."

The Bible speaks of commitment in many passages. Consider the instructions to "...have no other gods before ME," to "be doers of the Word and not hearers only," to "not go after other gods," to "diligently keep the commandments of the LORD your God," and for "husbands to love their wife as God loves HIS Church."

Let me offer 4 Conditions that Weaken Commitments:

1. Determining morality by the majority -- 

The majority of Israelites wanted to return to Egypt; the majority of people felt comfortable living in the sinful society of Sodom & Gomorrah; the majority chose not to go into the ark & died; the majority voted to crucify Jesus. Majorities are wrong the majority of the time; because they operate based on popular "opinion" and usually follow the path of least resistance. Commitments based on comforts are weak.

2. Changing your theology, rather than your lifestyle -- 

Rather than aligning their lifestyle with the teachings of Scripture, people will often choose to change churches, denominations or counselors; in search of someone who will accept & condone their sinful behavior. Remember, those who truly love you will speak truth into your life; not merely tickle your ears. Having a weak theology results in weak commitments.

3. Assuming a delay in consequences equals God's approval -- Eccl. 8:11 TLB

Quote from John Fisher -- "...if a dog having a great stone bound about his neck is cast down from a high tower, he feels no weight of that stone, as long as he is falling down; but when he is once fallen to the ground, he is burst all to pieces by that weight." Sin is fun for a season; but "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that will he also reap." - Gal 6:6-7. Assuming that God would EVER condone sinful behavior certainly reveals a weak commitment toward spiritual maturity.

4. Becoming tolerant of sin --

The way that Christians succumb to sin, is similar to the proverbial frog that gets boiled in the kettle. Sin takes over gradually and we often don't even realize it, until it is too late. It only takes a little leaven to ruin the whole loaf of bread (Gal. 5:9). Being tolerant of sin in our lives is a symptom of a weak level of commitment.

Now, let me offer 4 Principles that Strengthen Commitments (Especially as it relates to marriage):

1. Understand that conflicts are part of marriage --

1 Cor. 7:28b NIV - "...but those who marry will face many troubles in this life..." Too often, couples try to avoid conflict, rather than learning how to resolve conflicts. Learning to listen to and respect differing opinions is one of the greatest ways to gain knowledge and one of the lost arts in today's "cancel culture" movement.

2. Working through is better than walking out -- 

1 Cor. 7:27 NIV - "Are you married? Do not seek a divorce." Walking out is easy, but the baggage follows you out the door and into the next relationship. Working things through takes much more work, but it is much more beneficial and satisfying in the long run.

3. Rights are relinquished at the marriage altar --

1 Cor. 7:4 and Phil 2:3-4 reveal that couples give-up their rights, when they enter the covenant relationship of marriage. Selfishness is most often the root cause of broken relationships and selflessness is most often the key to marriages surviving for the long-haul.

4. Choose holiness over happiness -- 

Nowhere in the Bible does God command us to be happy, but HE does instruct us to be holy. In general, those who pursue holiness will usually find happiness is a natural benefit of living in obedience to God's commands.

After reading these principles based on Scripture and realizing that there are many, many, many more where those came from; let's "commit" to being fully-devoted followers of Jesus and fully-devoted partners in our marriage. Let's love our spouse, the way that Christ loves HIS Church.

Habits of Happy Hubbies

The COVID-19 pandemic is certainly impacting people physically, but it also impacting people emotionally. The statistics are showing that interest & inquiries for divorce are up 34% from the the same quarter of the previous year. 20% of couples married 5 months or less sought divorce, compared to 11% in 2019. Some are estimating that divorce rates will continue to rise as quarantines and work-from-home situations continue. 

So, I want to offer 12 "Habits of Happy Hubbies" that can be helpful to all married couples:

1. EMBRACE YOUR SEASON

Stop looking ahead or looking back. Embrace your present season and make the most of every moment. 

2. COMMUNICATE KINDLY

Sticks and stone's can break bones AND words can hurt very deeply! Spouses often say things to each other that they would never say to their employer, pastor or even their friends. Choose your words wisely.

Prov. 25:11-5 - A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

3.  LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS 

Too many marriages end due to the fighting caused by poor financial decisions. Couples MUST learn to live within their means, pay cash, build credit, save and set goals. While stuck in the house, consider taking a Dave Ramsey course online.

Eccl. 5:10 NLT - Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! 

Matt. 6:24  - No man can serve two masters… you cannot serve God and money. 

4. COMPLIMENT; DON’T CRITICIZE 

      No one likes to be criticized. Continual criticism has a devastating effect on a marriage. 

1 Thess 5:11 NIV - Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 

Eph. 4:29 - Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

5.  CULTIVATE SPIRITUAL GROWTH

Couples should find ways to worship, serve, pray, study and grow together!

Heb. 10:24 – And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works. 

6.   LIVE IN LOVE

      Look at this verse, as it reveals what true love looks like and should be the goal in every Christian marriage.

1 Cor. 13:4-7 - Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 

7.   GIVE PREFERENCE 

Preferring your spouse is a simple way to show your care. Selfishness will destroy a marriage, while selflessness will deepen the love relationship.

Phil 2:3-4 - Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. ⁴ Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. 

8.   GIVE HONOR

Honor is defined as giving the highest respect or granting esteem. Spouses should honor one another; and look at the last part of the verse -- if we fail to honor our spouse... our prayers could be hindered!

1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.  

9.   DRESS FOR SUCCESS

      During this time, of quarantine and working at home, so many people have stopped dressing-up for work. Don't forget that your spouse deserves to see you at your best. Practice personal hygiene, shave, fix your hair, put away the sweat pants, and ladies, feel free to wear some make-up while work from home.

10.  NURTURE INTIMACY

Intimacy goes far beyond just the physical relationship in marriage. Strive to cultivate spiritual and emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Heb 13:4 - Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled…  Sadly, this is the only verse some men ever memorize! :)  

11.  SHARE THE LOAD 

Working from home or being quarantined obviously increases the chores around the house. Share the load, pitch-in, and help your spouse. Those acts of kindness usually pay-off BIG! Also, during this time of anxiety, layoffs, financial uncertainty; share openly and bear each others burdens.

Gal. 6:2 - Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 

12.  RESOLVE CONFLICTS QUICKLY 

Holding onto anger NEVER ends well. No one wins -- everyone loses!  Settle the matter quickly and try to do so before going to bed. No sense losing a night's sleep and carrying conflict over to the next day.

Eph. 4:26-27 - Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷ nor give place to the devil.

ULTIMATE GOAL

Eph. 5:24-28 - As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.

God's Design for Marriage

The premise to this post is that marriage is God's idea and the outline for marriage is given in Scripture. We live in a world in which marriage has been politicized, downplayed, attacked and even "redefined" for the better part of four decades. 

So let's go back to basics. If we desire to gain insight regarding marriage, we cannot look to politicians, courts or culture; instead, we must look to God and His Word. Realizing that God is the Master Architect of marriage, let's take a minute to see what God recorded in His Word pertaining to the topic of marriage.

In the Garden of Eden, during the days of creation, it was God Who recognized is was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 1:18a), so God determined to make a helper comparable to the man (Gen. 1:18b). Other Bible translations use the words: suitable, perfect and just right for the man. The woman was God's gift to the man to provide companionship, comfort and to complete him by bringing strength to his areas of weakness.  God put the man to sleep while He removed a rib and designed a perfect partner and lover for the man (Gen. 1:21-22).  I can only imagine what it was like when God presented (Eve to Adam) the bride to the bridegroom! He had never seen anything so beautiful, their love was so pure and their companionship ran so deep.

God gave instructions to the new couple that would serve as the blueprint and set the parameters for all marriages to come (Gen. 2:24).  He outlined the plan for construction as follows. First, a man is to leave his parents, which means to honor them; but to cut the apron strings and his new bride is to be his most important human relationship! This step is repeated in the New Testament in Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7, Ephesians 5:31, to name a few. The unity candle or unity sand ceremony is symbolic of the new household being formed. Problems will come if a spouse continually compares their partner to his/her parents and/or refuses to view their spouse as their priority human relationship.

Second, a man is to cleave to his spouse, which give the instruction that marriage is to be permanent. He is cling, hold close, secure and create a permanent bond with his wife. God's plan was and is one man, plus one woman for a lifetime!  That does not mean serial monogamy or one at a time... God said one for a lifetime. Why is this important? Because marriage is a picture of Christ's love for bride -- the Church! He said He will never leave His bride, He will never be unfaithful to His bride, and He will always be willing to forgive His bride. God even incorporated the story of Hosea and the love he had for his unfaithful bride, to give us a picture of how much Christ loves HIS Church. Men, you are instructed to love your wife that way, too (Eph. 5:25).

Third, the husband and wife are instructed to become one flesh. While this does apply to the physical union in marriage, it also goes much deeper. A husband and wife are to express intimacy both physically and emotionally. They are to exhibit unconditional love, to appreciate their differences, to communicate at a deeper level, to challenge each other to rise to their highest potential and to push each other to fulfill his/her dreams. God wants marriages to thrive; not merely to survive.

Inevitably, couples will experience some structural damage along the way and can head-off the deeper problems by doing some preventative spiritual maintenance (Gen. 3:1-6). The culture will throw lies at them and try to convince them that they are missing out on something. Like Eve, some will buy into the "myth of greener grass," only to find out it's greener only because there is more manure in the other field. Some will disobey God's plan for marriage and choose the way that seems right, only to discover it is the way of death. The responsibility of keeping the marriage and family on-track has been assigned to the husband/father. In the Garden of Eden, Adam stood silent as the serpent talked with Eve and ultimately Adam chose to engage in the same sin (Gen. 3:6b). It is my belief that many marriages could have been saved if only a godly husband would have simply stood-up, fulfilled his spiritual duty and led his family into the truths of Scripture. 

You may be at the phase in which your marriage needs a little "remodeling" (Prov. 24:3-4). It is possible to restore or rebuild your marriage to the point of flourishing.  Build your house with wisdom, establish order, make things right and stabilize your house on the firm foundation of God's Word. Proverbs 2:6 tells us that "the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding." There is no time like the present to use these tools and make your marriage overflow with satisfaction!

So, now it's time to complete the "Seller's Disclosure" or maybe even ask for an "appraisal." Assess what needs to be removed, sure-up weak areas and remodel areas that are outdated or maybe even dilapidated.  Is it time to restore some flare in your marriage with something simple like new paint? Is it time to address bigger problems or hidden damage inflicted by life's "termites?"  Homeowners can ignore the problems with their house and watch it fall down around them; or they can address the little things, before they become big things. Couples have the same choice in their marriage.

Go ahead... get started on that assessment by comparing your marriage to God's original design.