Funeral Etiquette

In my profession, I have to attend many funerals. Over the past several months, I’ve observed a disturbing trend and have discussed it with funeral directors who are noticing the same issue. The trend is shifting toward a lack of respect shown toward the family of the deceased. I’m assuming that people either do not know or are blatantly ignoring basic funeral etiquette. With that in mind, I want to list several points that might be helpful for those desiring to honor the memory of the deceased and respectfully offer comfort to the family.

At the visitation:

• While the family appreciates those coming to express their condolences, it is an emotionally draining and physically exhausting event. A simple way to help the family, and respect the other guests in line is to keep your comments brief, and to keep the line moving.


• Attire at the visitation has relaxed, but not to the point of casual. It is no longer required to wear black, or a suit. Modesty and respect are the two key words, and you can never go wrong by overdressing


• Speak to everyone in the receiving line and introduce yourself to those you do not know. Simple, brief expressions of sympathy are usually best. Use kind words, share fond memories, listen, and sometimes you won’t need to say anything.

During the service:

• Arrive early - The joke about being late to your own funeral really isn’t funny.


• Turn off your cell phone. (And no texting.


• Don’t talk during the service.


• Stand as the family enters and exits.


• Pastors: be biblical, be personal, and be brief.
  Nothing grates me more than hearing a pastor imply that all good people go to heaven, or watching a “pastor” read from a Minister’s Funeral Manual and/or prayer book. Make the service personal and realize that people came to pay their respects -- they did not come to hear you preach your finest (and longest) sermon.

At the graveside:

• Joining in the funeral procession is simply a point of respect. Sadly, some feel they have to beat everyone to the cemetery. If you arrive at the cemetery before the procession, please park away from the tents and away from where those in the procession will be parking.


• Wait away from the tent, until the family is all seated and the funeral director invites the guests to move in closer. Sadly, I was at one funeral where some family members ended up standing further away than the guests.


• It is perfectly proper for elderly guests or those with health issues to sit in any of the extra family chairs that are vacant after all of the family has been seated. It is not proper for anyone to sit in the family chairs before all of the family is seated.


• I am a patriot at heart and have a great respect for those who have served our country. Many people do not realize that each fold of the flag has a specific meaning. Talking during the military tribute is rude, and soldiers not knowing how to fold a flag is inexcusable. I’ve observed both recently.


• There is a specific order for guests to follow in greeting the family at the close of the graveside service. After the closing prayer, the minister will walk across and speak to each family member. Whichever direction the minister goes, the guests should follow. Following this pattern is easier for the family, than guests pushing in from both directions and/or every angle.

Overall, the rule of thumb is that the funeral service is to pay tribute to the life of the deceased, and to offer comfort to the family. Any action that shifts the focus away from what is best for the family and refocuses it onto the guests is both rude and inappropriate.